by Gabrielle Anwar
The “Terrible Twos” can happen at any age. Most often your toddler grows frustrated with her limited control over her life. Imagine you want to get all the spaghetti on your spoon, but it keeps sliding off, and no matter how hard you try, you cannot get the pasta from your plate into your hungry mouth. At some point you might consider tossing the whole plate at the wall. Naturally your adult reasoning should prevent the irrational action, and you’ll come up with a new angle. Well, your toddler hasn’t figured out the rationale part yet. So the plate of pasta might end up on the kitchen floor.
Remember she is not your foe. She too is doing the best she can. The best approach here is to take a moment before you react. Take some deep breaths to reset. You are the adult, so don’t revert back to your Terrible Twos in your response.
You might respond, calmly, “You threw your lunch on the floor. There’s pasta all over. You couldn’t get the spaghetti on your spoon.” Simple.
There’s no need to punish her. Her self-esteem is already damaged by her failure.
“I am going to help you with your pasta.” You can sit down beside her, and use your adult skills at twirling the pasta into her spoon with a fork, or chop up the pasta more, and hand her the filled spoon, and wait patiently while she succeeds in feeding herself. This is a wonderful opportunity for her to learn how to do the one thing that is her nemesis.
Her frustration is comparable to you failing at something significant in your adult world. Her little world is equally as significant as your grand scheme of things. If she is too upset with herself, with you, with the planet, to eat, then give her the time she needs to calm down. Wipe her hands and mouth, and clean up the mess, letting her know, calmly what you are doing, despite screams and tears. You might ask her, “would you like Mama to hold you?” She will be quite clear with her readiness to be held.
Sometimes toddlers need to expel their frustration with tears and rage. Sometimes they just need to scream.
Be patient. Breathe. Offer your love periodically, and make sure she is safe in her environment if she is throwing herself on the floor, etc. Eventually she will wear herself out. You too will likely be exhausted. But you are the adult, not the child.
Once she is done, hold out your arms for her to come to you. “You had a hard time with the pasta. It wouldn’t stay on your spoon. You got so upset with yourself.”
Then you can move into the lesson with the pasta. She may be too pooped to eat, and need a nap. You too.
Hold her close. She is most vulnerable with you. Do not resent her for giving you a hard time. Reframe the entire incident; she trusts you to love her even in her darkest moment. You are revered by her. You are her entire world, she trusts you with her life. She knows that she will be loved unconditionally by you. Don’t let her down.
